


nothing like you

by adreamaloud, daneorange (adreamaloud)



Category: Skins (UK) RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-13
Updated: 2010-06-13
Packaged: 2017-10-18 18:20:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/191849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adreamaloud/pseuds/adreamaloud, https://archiveofourown.org/users/adreamaloud/pseuds/daneorange
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A birthday later. A year older, and not much else.</p>
            </blockquote>





	nothing like you

_  
this is a story and you’re not in it –nothing like you, frightened rabbit   
_

The next thing Lily knows, Kat’s having another birthday.

She remembers next to nothing about that time the twins turned eighteen; it was a right mess, that party, and the night only manages to come back to her in disjointed flashes – the red of Kat’s hair, the metal glint of her labret. It had been Lily’s first time to see Kat actually wearing it, and though Lily had already known for a time how Kat had had a piercing right there, it was still – well, _odd_ , considering.

These days, whenever something smells like lilac and smoke, Lily still turns her head – she knows it’s from that night but she hardly remembers anything else, apart from what the photographs say. She’s always blamed it on the alcohol – for a time she’d believed that, for convenience’s sake, but now in hindsight, she knows (she’s always known--) it’s not that entirely.

Looking back, Lily just thinks about how a year it’s been – about how the days for a time ceased having distinct ends and beginnings, about how difficult it is entirely to pinpoint where exactly a specific moment belongs. Skins had been this entirely seamless thing, and Kat was part of that – _Lily_ was part of that. And now they’re not anymore – haven’t been, for a while – well.

Well. Now, here she is -- here _they_ are -- a year older, and not much else.

*

It’s rather a bit muted, this – well, anything compared to the riot that was last year’s party would be _muted_ in comparison, but then for this year, it’s still something Meg plotted with Kaya, so really, when it turns out to be a different animal altogether, it will not be so much of a surprise.

“It’s almost like they’re the ones secretly dating,” Lily says, joining Kat on the walk to the venue. She looks on as Kaya slips her arm around Meg’s with such ease; at how Meg laughs so openly when Kaya leans in to whisper something in her ear.

Beside Lily, Kat just laughs and says, “Yeah,” nodding with her hands deep in her pockets.

It had been a private joke once, sick as they were of rumors about the two of them; it was hilarious months ago, but making the joke now is awkward, at best, and Lily mentally hits herself in the head for having risked mentioning it.

A lot has changed, Lily thinks, and that isn’t even the biggest understatement of the past few months.

*

A year ago, everybody looked at them like all the touches, deliberate or otherwise, had their own secret meanings; like their hands had this language that only the two of them spoke.

“That’s ridiculous,” was what Kat said, her laugh hoarse. “We’re mates, is all. Are you all right?” She’d reached out right then, fingers brushing against the skin of Lily’s forearm.

“I’m all right.” Lily had her fingers upon the space between her brows, smoothing out a headache. It was one of those hung-over mornings after having gone out on promotion somewhere the night before and she’d just woken to the occasional Have-you-been-to-the-Internet text message from friends.

Lily had imagined herself saying it – _No, I’m not dating Kat… no, Ben isn’t a fucking beard, Christ. Get off the Internet, you lot_ – but the opportunity for that interesting conversation, for some reason, never presented itself; still, Lily felt it was good to be prepared.

Besides, the more she thought about it, the more she believed it; the further away from trouble she was.

*

“Nineteen’s a good number,” Lily finds herself saying, on the way home. She cannot remember a time when it had been this hard to talk with Kat about anything, but the night had been unusually difficult in a way Lily cannot put her finger on, and dismal as it is, this is the best she can come up with at the moment.

When Kat looks up at her, Lily has to struggle to see the girl she once knew there – Kat looks _older_ , but not in the way Lily expects. “Yeah?” Kat just asks back, a corner of her lips turning up a little as she says it; it’s these little things, Lily just thinks, minding the shadow the movement has made on Kat’s face. “Was it any good for you?”

Lily blushes; it’s totally out of context that she has to look away. (Blushing? What for?) “Better than twenty, I think,” she manages, clearing her throat. When she drops her eyes, Kat has idly taken her hand; Lily tries not to think about why it stings.

*

Lily saw very little of Kat after the wrap of series 4; apart from the promotions and events, there wasn’t much they had to do together anyway, and one day, waking up to find her schedule wide open, Lily just thought, _Well, that’s that._

Kat’s phone call came on a Tuesday; it started tentatively, with a “Hello” that Lily hasn’t heard in a while – it was the sort reserved for acquaintances. For a moment, it felt like they were back to square one, and Lily couldn’t decide which was more heartbreaking: this sudden seeming unfamiliarity or that time she heard about Kat’s follow-up project from someone else and not her.

“A party?” was what Lily had said, hoping Kat won’t take offense at her disbelief. Unconsciously, she had pressed her phone closer, the warmth of the metal ticklish upon her ear. It hadn’t even hit her this hard before, how she had missed Kat’s voice after all.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Kat replied, clearing her throat, the tiny laugh at the end of it finally setting Lily at ease. “Of course, you have to come.”

“How’s it going to go this year?” asked Lily, breathing out. At the other end, she could imagine Kat relaxing from the tension of the first few moments – her shoulders lowered now, her fists unclenched.

“It’s Meg’s turn to plan this year, so.”

“So.”

“So really, I wouldn’t know,” said Kat and right then, that first open laugh, the sort Lily hoped would never end.

“Sounds frightening,” Lily replied, chewing on her lip, her own laughter bubbling at the back of her throat. “And promising. Tell her I said hi.”

Kat made a small noise, non-committal and tentative again, like she was mulling something over. “Meg misses you, you know.” It was so quiet that it extinguished whatever sound was stuck in Lily’s mouth. “And I do too, so.”

 _So._ Lily’s mouth was dry. “Yeah?”

Kat cleared her throat after a long pause. “So, we’ll call Kaya, yeah? And you’ll be there on Saturday, won’t you?”

“Of course,” said Lily, nodding and swallowing. “Of course.”

Kat had already put down the phone when Lily finally managed to string together these other things to say – like, ‘I missed you, too’ or some other honest thing – but by then, Lily just thought sadly, by then it was already too late.

*

And so there they are, heading home, walking after Meg and Kaya, still giggling uncontrollably like a couple of school girls a few steps ahead.

Kat is holding Lily’s hand quietly; the night air is still and heavy.

Lily says nothing; can’t bring herself to say anything, actually. She is thinking about the last time Kat held her hand; it was in one of those events, and they were going down a flight of metal stairs, steep and nearly impossible even in their traditional matching black Vans. Kat had held on quite sternly, and Lily remembers the heat between their palms.

“Lily?” Right then Kat tugs a little, and when Lily looks up, there’s a small smile on Kat’s face, so small that it’s almost shy, and Lily wonders if they both need a little alcohol now. “I said, are you all right?”

Lily licks her lips, coughs a little and says, “I’m parched, actually.”

Kat says, “Well. We have time for drinks.” She smiles, clears her throat before calling out to Meg in front. Meg stops, looks back and shrugs; her smile still too big from having been interrupted in the middle of a rather spirited conversation with Kaya. Kat looks back at Lily, shrugs herself. “You up for it?”

There’s a little challenge in Kat’s tone, and it’s almost like before; Lily has ached all along for something this recognizable. “It’s your night,” she just says, trying to make it sound like this – being invited for a drink, like old times -- isn’t a big deal for her at all. “Let’s do whatever you want.”

*

Outside on the Prescotts’ lawn, they sit and pass a bottle of Kahlua back and forth between them, fags in their hands.

“You’re off vodka now?” asks Lily, taking a tentative drag upon her cigarette as Kat leans over to light it. They’re sitting close to each other; their bare shoulders touch when they move.

Kat shrugs, regards the bottle quietly. “It’s a gift,” she just says. “Might as well, yeah?”

“Tastes like milk chocolate,” says Lily, drawing from the bottle and making a show of licking her lips after, slowly; tries to ignore the way Kat takes a moment too long to take her eyes off her. “Not that I’m complaining,” Lily adds, blinking.

Kat snickers, a little; takes the bottle from Lily and puts it to her lips, swallowing after a deep, long pull before wiping at her lips with the back of her cigarette-holding hand. She coughs a little at the smoke in front of her face, and it makes Lily giggle softly herself.

When Kat looks up, she clears her throat and asks, “What?” Her smile is too wide; Lily recognizes it as one of Kat’s I’ve-got-a-secret-grins; the sight of it clutches at Lily’s insides in unexpected ways, and suddenly the feel of alcohol seeping into her head is stark and heavy. “It’s still liquor, Loveless.”

“Oh, I know,” Lily says, smiling back and shifting to face Kat. Under this light, she looks-- “Look, you’ve got milk on your lips, just—”

And it’s not even true – she just wants an excuse to touch her, and against better, sober judgment Lily runs her thumb gently across the skin above Kat’s half-parted mouth. It’s a split-second too late when Lily manages to note how Kat’s holding her breath; how Lily can’t feel the warmth of it upon her palm. How Kat’s too still.

Just how much had she-- _Fuck it Loveless,_ she mentally slaps herself. _Did you have to chug it down like a fucking milkshake?_ At the back of her throat, she tastes the alcohol beyond all that vanilla flavor.

“There,” says Lily, after that long quiet while, salvaging the moment. Together they exhale, and when Lily looks away to pay attention to her fag, she finds it burnt nearly to the filter, the rest of it nothing but ashes.

*

Later, after they’ve finished the bottle of Kahlua, they find themselves lying on their backs on the grass, blowing smoke upward against the stars.

Lily breaks the silence first with, “Say something.”

The reference makes Kat laugh; it’s hoarser now that the air is colder. “What do you want me to say?” she asks, laughing lightly.

Lily thinks for a moment, pausing. “I don’t know,” she shrugs, and with the slight lift of her shoulder she rubs against Kat’s. Her skin is still warm. “Something about the months between.”

“Nothing interesting there,” Kat just says, pushing herself up on her elbows, leaning back. “Yours?”

Lily shakes her head slowly, pushing herself up in kind. “When did it get this hard, you know?” she begins, her tongue heavy around the words as the alcohol takes its toll, equally slowly. “When did it get this hard to talk about everything and nothing at once?”

Kat lights up another fag, sucks on it before handing it over to Lily, offering it between forefinger and thumb, the filter moist. Lily licks her lips before drawing from it in kind, all the while thinking of Kat’s lips around the thing just a moment or two ago.

“I don’t know,” says Kat, finally. “I guess it’s just not the same.”

“And that makes it harder?”

Kat turns her head and looks at her; her stare hard, intent. “What is it that you want, Lily?” she asks, smiling tightly.

 _What I want – full days full of you. Full of us. Full of excuses to talk, to laugh – to touch. To –_ Lily blinks. “Nothing, it’s just that—”

“I’ve missed you,” says Kat, suddenly wide-eyed and sober, her honesty becoming frightening by the minute. Lily holds her breath. “This isn’t a joke, none of it has been a joke for the longest time. Open your eyes.”

Lily sits there, speechless and wide-eyed herself, unable to move even as Kat pushes herself off the grass and stands, one hand holding on to an empty bottle as she walks back into the house.

*

Lily tries to sit still beside Meg and Kaya in front of the TV; tries to focus on the Desperate Housewives re-run that she can’t even be arsed to care about right then. In the corner of her eye, she can see Kat sitting on the other side of the living room, quiet.

When she’s had enough, Lily stands and makes a show of stretching, pleading tiredness. Meg doesn’t even look up when she offers their guest room. “It’s late,” says Meg. “Stay over, get the fuck out tomorrow. What’s the hurry?”

Lily tries to disguise the mix of panic and apprehension in her voice. “I can—I don’t want to be a bother—”

“Don’t be stubborn.” When Lily turns her head, she finds that Kat has spoken herself. “Better this way. Take the train in the morning.” And then, “Let’s get you some clothes.”

*

Before she can even catch herself, she’s walking after Kat in a narrow corridor leading to a bedroom.

The walls are peach when Kat turns on a switch somewhere and floods the room with light. She steps in and pulls Lily after her by the wrist, and Lily can’t help but breathe in. The room smells of lilacs; it’s so _Kat_ that Lily has to ball her hands into fists to keep from pulling her close.

“Shirt?” Kat asks, pulling something out of a drawer. Lily says nothing as Kat steps closer and drapes it upon Lily’s shoulder. The move is so affectionate that Lily can’t help but stiffen, a little; perhaps noticing, Kat puts a hand warmly upon Lily’s chest, so light that it’s nearly weightless. “Are you all right?”

Lily closes her eyes. “Don’t stand so close,” she mutters softly. This part she doesn’t entirely understand; she’s spent the better part of the last two years acting like she’s in love with her – why is she suddenly having the hardest time trying to wrap her head around this feeling? Not like it’s even new, to begin with.

Kat takes a half-step back and suddenly Lily feels like she can breathe safely, again. “Things have changed,” Kat just says, looking down at her feet. Their bedroom floor is brown faux wood and shiny. “Maybe we don’t have to be so afraid anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

Kat just looks at her, her lips pressed into a thin line. After a while, she leans in to kiss Lily chastely, on the lips, her hands coming upon the side of her face and pulling. It’s only for a second or two, yet Lily feels all too scalded in places, anyway.

“Don’t take too long figuring it out,” Kat just says before walking out of the bedroom, the door shutting quietly after her.

*

In the darkness of the guest bedroom, some hours later, Lily can’t sleep. The house is too quiet and the sheets are crisp and new, the mattress stiff from having been unslept in for the longest time. The only saving grace is Kat’s shirt, tender and pleasant and ultimately familiar, when it comes down to it.

Her mind’s still reeling from that moment Kat kissed her – _kissed_ her like it actually could mean _something_ ; like it was not just something she read off a script, and it strikes her just then, how Kat had _never_ kissed her without an audience before that moment. It had always been this room full of people, and they were never really themselves, were they ever? Just these two other people finding something special, and they were just lucky to have been asked to pretend.

Sometimes though, Lily feels like Naomi so much it isn’t even funny; she remembers reading the twist at the end of the series and thinking, _Oh_ , upon reading Naomi’s secret, hidden away for several years.

“She’s what?” Kat had asked then, brows knit in confusion as she ruffled through the script. “Since _twelve_? Did _you_ know?”

Lily shrugged then, chewing on her lip, nervous. She’d been having this whole difficult, _disjointed_ thing with her character, and right then it looked like the thing that nobody expected was turning out to be the one thing she understood the most, and the more she tried to think about it, the more the answer frightened her.

“Did you see it coming?” Kat asked again, rubbing at her forehead.

Lily shook her head. “No,” she said. “I don’t think Naomi did, either.”

The look Kat gave her, this mix of disbelief, amusement and this strange, unnameable fondness, was what almost did Lily in; clearing her throat, she just shifted her eyes back to the script, even as the words bled out and the letters seemed to scatter.

“Christ,” Kat broke in softly, a while later, filling the quiet air with the sound of ruffled papers. “How can you not see a thing like that coming?”

Lily almost replied, _It’s easier than you think_ – but luckily caught it while it was on its way out. Instead, she sat there and said nothing; after a while, she reached over for her bottle of water and drank from it like she was trying to drown herself.

*

Over breakfast the following morning, Kat says nothing apart from the cursory good morning greeting before offering Lily breakfast. Lily thanks her curtly and helps herself to a cup of coffee. The table is torturously quiet with Meg and Kaya still asleep.

“What time they did they hit the bed anyway?” Lily asks.

“Way after we did, I suppose,” Kat just says. There’s a tense, quiet moment before a small smile starts playing at the corner of her lips, finally, and Lily finds herself letting out a breath, noting the red of Kat’s hair in the morning light.

Lily grins right back, her guard down. “Did you sleep well?”

Kat nods and stares into her bowl of oatmeal. “Mmhmm, not really,” she says, and it throws Lily completely, having expected another answer altogether. “And you?”

Lily pauses to take a breath, takes a sip from her coffee before, “No, not really.” The thing’s too bitter, Lily finds, rolling the aftertaste of it upon her tongue; after all this time, she still miscalculates her sugar, it’s ridiculous.

From the other side of the table, Kat pushes the sugar toward Lily, nudging at the edge of it with a fingertip; she still reads Lily _too well_ , it’s unnerving at times.

Lily raises her brows, amused; laughs lightly as she opens the lid. “Thanks,” she mutters, her cheeks feeling warm. “How did you – how do you do _that_?”

Kat smiles, watching as Lily dips the spoon and swirls it around once, twice. “There are things about you that I remember, is all,” she just says. “Sometimes, I like paying attention.”

“Like now,” Lily says, catching her bottom lip between her teeth as she takes the spoon out, tapping it against the rim before settling it upon the edge of the saucer beneath, face down. She breathes out as she brings the cup to her lips, blowing steadily upon the surface, careful.

Kat nods. “Yeah, like now,” she says. And then, “Have you figured it out?”

Lily pauses in mid-sip, keeping the cup by her lips like a shield. She knows exactly what Kat is talking about, and despite having slept on it, the answer thudding in her chest is no less terrifying than it was the night before – or the nights before that, for that matter.

“Lily.”

“How is this so easy for you?” asks Lily, though the tone is sincerely curious.

Kat just arches her brows, fiddling with her spoon in kind. “It isn’t,” she just says, looking away as Meg and Kaya noisily come down the stairs.

*

At the door later, Lily’s saying goodbye. “Thanks for the shirt,” she says, fiddling with the hem of her blouse from the night before. “And for the night. In general. Of course.”

Kat laughs, walks her to the curb. Lily rifles through her pockets for spare fags with her other restless hand, just to keep it out of sight. “You’re welcome,” she says, wrapping a hand around Lily’s arm, stilling it. “You don’t have to be so nervous.”

Lily wants to say, _Of course I am._ She wants to say, _After today, there might not be another time._ She’s almost had this complete surrender spiel done, but then when she looks at Kat one more time, the words disappear entirely.

Instead she finds herself saying, “I may take some time, you know.” She points to her head, points to her chest, gestures absently with her fingers in the air, everywhere. She breathes in deep and holds it as she waits for what Kat has to say.

Kat takes a while, but not too long. “All right,” she just says, nodding. She rubs Lily’s arm, warms it in both her palms. “Call me when you’re done, then?”

And it’s all _so plain_ , like Kat’s just expecting a response regarding a completely ordinary thing, and when Lily looks at her again, Kat smiles like she knows the answer anyway.

Under the sun, Lily finds it’s so much easier to say yes. She lets her breath go slowly right then, taking her time. #  


**Author's Note:**

> skins rpf, lily/kat, a birthday later. 3,700 words.  
> a/n: so. ~~three~~ _four_ -month hiatus, general rust, etc. all the errors are mine.


End file.
